Everything I'm Not
by Orangina Locks
Summary: Sakura always knew that she wasn't perfect, so now she reflects on her life to find out how she let her one true love slip away. SasuSaku


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters

First fanfic, be kind!

**Everything I'm Not**

I let the cool night's breeze sway my candy coloured hair around my pale face. My head was tilted up towards the moon, just watching it cast its silver light upon the ground. Right now I would give anything to be the moon; detached from the earth and all the feelings that come with being a human. _A stupid human_.

I swore to myself when he left that I would never allow myself become so weak again. In fact, I spent almost three years constantly training to make me strong. Everyone around me commented on how strong I was becoming, but I didn't want them to say it. I only wanted _him _to acknowledge how strong I had become.

_That was all I wanted_.

I am the first member of my family to become a shinobi. My mother owns a dress shop, and was determined that I would become a dress maker like her as well.

It was her dream that I would become a perfect little young lady. I was always disappointing her with my clumsiness though, and my lack of any skill with a needle.

But, she reasoned that those skills may develop as I got older. She was my mother, and I thought that she knew what was best for me, so I had completely agreed with whatever she'd said. But then I had seen _him_.

_It would change the course of my life_.

He was walking down the street like any other person, with his mother right beside him. He was helping her shop, and I thought that he looked like an angel. I am a woman of science; I do not believe in stupid beliefs like 'love at first sight'. Relationships need hard work and care to make them work, not just a sight. But this was the closest I think I'm ever going to get to it.

_I just knew that you were__ going to mean something to me._

I had asked my mother about him, and she had replied with "That's the Uchiha's, they are a powerful shinobi family; we don't have to bother about them." But I did bother about them. I bothered about them so much that a month later I made the decision to become a shinobi myself.

I had taken my life into my own hands, and no one could stop me. I would do anything to see that boy again, even go against my family's wishes.

_If only I'd known what was going to happen_…

So, I entered the ninja academy, and low and behold, he was in my class. I soon discovered, however, that I was not the only one interested in this boy. No, not by a long shot. He had a huge fan group who crowded him almost every time we had any spare time. It was quite annoying really.

_Annoying, that's an interesting choice of a word._

I found out that there was barely anyone in the academy that didn't come from a ninja family. Even the few that didn't came with a friend they already knew. Nobody wanted to be friends with little, freakish Sakura who had a huge forehead and no ninja talents whatsoever. I was a prime target for bullying, and suffered great blows to my spirit. My dream of becoming a shinobi was quickly turning into a nightmare.

_And then came Ino_.

She was my hero in my time of need, and boosted my quickly diminishing self-confidence.

She fought off the bullies, and offered me friendship, which I accepted with open arms. Ino came from a well respected ninja clan, the Yamanaka clan. It surprised me how she helped me, a nobody, just like that. She even gave me a ribbon that would compliment my huge forehead!

Ino was beautiful, smart and a good ninja as well. I was kind of in awe of her in those first couple of months. I gradually got used to being friends with her, and my life looked like it was going up.

_If only it would stay like that_.

I started to concentrate on my studies. I don't like to boast, but I have a knack of remembering facts and information, which helped me get some of the highest grades in the class. Of course, I would never get top marks. That spot was reserved for _him. _

_A genius, prodigy, call it what you like. _

When the Uchiha massacre happened, I had no clue how to act. Neither did the rest of the class.

It's not like I ever talked to _him_ anyway, but how do you react around a boy who has not only just lost his parents, but his entire clan to his older brother?

He stayed off school for a few days, and when he came back, he was different. He had never really been a talkative person, but I would often see him smiling. But after the massacre, he turned really cold, almost like an ice cube.

_But it__ didn't stop my feelings for you_

As we all got older, I started to realise more things. Like, for example, how whenever Ino and I ever spoke to anyone they would always be looking at Ino. It was almost as if I was not even there. I know it is a terrible thing to be jealous of your best friend, but I couldn't help but feel that way. I once heard some boys talking about the recent scores in a test.

"I came 15th," one of them said with little emotion, as it was an alright score.

"I came 4th," the other said with pride in his voice. "Who beat you?" the other asked in interest. "The Uchiha, of course, the Hyuuga, and that other girl, you know the one with the pink hair, Ino's friend." I felt my blood boil when I was referred to as "Ino's friend"; it was like I didn't have my own identity beyond being friends with Yamanaka Ino.

_I was just her shadow_

My confused emotions came to a head when I admitted my feelings for the boy to Ino. She turned to me with that superior look that I used to worship, and said "Well, you can't like him, because I like him too."

I know that I reacted wrongly, but I couldn't stop myself. I completely blew up at Ino for liking the same boy that I did, pouring all my jealousy into my rant. I ended the friendship that had once been my saviour right then and their.

_All because of one person_.

I focused all of my energy into my work after that. I needed to get my mind off things for a while.

I also became a fan girl, in the hopes that I could get some attention from _him_. I regret this so much now; it took me years to get out of 'the fan girl' image. It also made me into a bit of a brat, constantly having a rivalry with my former best friend. People must have been so sick of seeing us constantly squabbling!

I graduated from the academy with great marks all around, with teachers commenting on my hard work and attention. My mother finally accepted my dream when she saw everything I had accomplished. The smile she gave me when she came to graduation showed me that. I felt a great swell of pride in my stomach, and I received my forehead protector happier than I had been in quite a while.

_A weight was lifted off my shoulders_

When I was put in a team with _him_, I almost screamed in delight. Even though I was also with Naruto, the outcast who nobody talked to for some reason, a reason that nobody questioned. Even if _he_ showed complete disdain towards me, and called me annoying, I was still near him, and he knew my name.

_That was enough for me_.

My Genin days were some of the best days of my life. I remember having such a great time creating bonds with my team, even though I often acted in a way that wasn't me.

It was this that created my alter-ego, Inner Sakura. She would scream in my head all the things that I really wanted to say, but didn't. She kept me from going completely insane by pretending to be somebody else.

She also came in handy in the Chuunin exams against Ino, where we finally mended our broken friendship.

_I miss Inner Sakura_…

When he left, I felt my world crack from beneath me and swallow me up. It literally felt like there was a huge hole in my stomach.

He had left me on a bench after I had confessed my undying love for him!

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and couldn't talk. My family was despairing, and so eventually sent me up to stay with my grandma and cousin for a few weeks.

My cousin had always idolised me, so I think it scared her to see me in such a state. However, the calming surroundings of their small village helped me greatly, and I soon returned to Konoha.

_Back to a place without you_

I have an annoying habit of busying myself in work when something bad happens, instead of facing it. I managed to become the Hokage's apprentice, so I concentrated all my efforts into doing the best for her. Naruto had gone away to train with Jiraiya, and so I believed I truly was alone. So I vowed to get strong, so I could bring _him_ home.

_And I got strong_.

I became powerful, but I learnt the hard way that power doesn't come with happiness. It just leaves you high and dry.

Even when he came back, after nearly killing himself whilst killing his brother, it wasn't me who he lent on. After all of my hard work as well. It was Naruto, who had finally completed his promise to me all those years ago to bring _him_ home.

I had just stared, lost for words. I had come back to my senses, and ran up to him, only to punch him in the head. I have to admit, it felt good. I then hugged him tightly, afraid to let go in case it was a dream.

My heart soared when he returned the hug. In all the time I knew him, it was these little gestures that made my days.

I had tried to bury my love for him deep in my heart, but one glimpse, one sight was enough to bring it all back to me.

_I__ was completely in love with you. _

He had punishments, of course, but after a lot of persuading on my and Naruto's part, we got it down to probation and community service. I really thought that now I could be with him. I was wrong.

_I was so wrong_.

I should have known that in the five years he had been away he would meet someone. He was utterly gorgeous after all, and gorgeous people are attracted to one another.

After he had finally got used to being friends with me again, which took a lot of hard work, he admitted to me he had met a girl on his travels.

It turned out that she was a medic-nin just like me; she had healed him when he was injured and was just perfect.

My heart broke a second time, but I kept a smile on my face. Sai, the replacement for team 7, once told me that a smile could be a very dangerous thing to use. I think he meant for the other person, but this smile had the bad effect for me. The man I loved took it that I had gotten over him, and asked me to help him get her.

I foolishly accepted.

_It would hurt me so much._

The sad thing is that I really liked the girl he wanted, when I finally met her. She was kind, friendly, slightly shy but all too willing to have a laugh, and most of all, loyal. Apparently, she felt the same way about _him_ as he did about her and she had waited in her village for months for _him_ to come and get her.

I played match maker between the two of them, even though it was tearing me apart.

She had beautiful blue eyes and silky black hair that was really, really long and she was undeniably stunning.

_You__ always did like girls with long hair. _

He was always so perfect, I could never measure up, I now realise. I'm not perfect, I'm just a little girl with her feelings all messed up.

It's not like I need someone to protect me anymore, so I guess he's not really got a purpose with me if he doesn't feel the same way as I.

Right now, they are getting married by my teacher, the Hokage.

When he proposed to her, everyone was overjoyed. They were the ideal poster couple, and were so in love. Even though _he_ wasn't good at expressing his emotions, I could just tell by the look he got in his eyes when she was near. I was always good at reading and understanding him.

I sit here, on the bench that he left me on all those years ago, reflecting on my disjointed life.

I slipped out of the wedding as I couldn't bear to see _him_ get married to another. Everyone believes that my feelings for him were just a silly little crush, and I have learnt to hide the truth expertly. But, I know now that he is beyond my reach, and I don't want to pretend anymore. This is my life, and I was losing it to somebody else, someone who I could never compare to.

So I guess this is the end. I am finally going to let him go.

_She's the girl you want _

_She is beautiful and kind and perfect for you_

_She's everything I'm not _

_So, goodbye, Sasuke_


End file.
